Sunday, December 24, 2006

CHRISTMAS

         God grant you  the                 light in   Christmas, which is Faith;

the warmth of Christmas, which is love........

the all of Christmas, which is Christ.                          (Wilda English)    

 

ML                           

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

IF I WERE OL' SANTA

 If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,
and deliver some things just inside your front door,
things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.  Then restore the old color that once graced your hair, before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, so things now suspended need not be uplifted.  I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back until you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.  You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells and you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes; no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.  Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny from a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take and no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.  Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.  You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle and the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. 

 

But alas!  I'm not Santa.  I'm simply just me; the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;

 

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

 


 

 

 


Friday, December 15, 2006

THE BATHTUB TEST


 The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a 
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
 
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
 
Do you want a bed near the window?"

Thursday, December 14, 2006

A CHRISTMAS STORY


When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.



So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Saturday, November 11, 2006

GETTIN OLD......

One of my sisters and I were talking the other day about getting older.

I told her that it was interesting but that I had never really thought about getting old!

Now, I look in the mirror and see flashes of my Mother...MY MOTHER!!!!

Where has the time gone?

What happened and why so fast?

I still feel good and look pretty good but the signs of aging are gaining on me.

I see ripples of skin when I hold my arms up!

I see bigger veins and brown spots appearing on my hands and legs.

In other words....

I am finally comfortable in my skin.

I am finally comfortable with who I am.

I am finally comfortable saying... No!

I am finally comfortable.

I just pray for good health and a long life to enjoy the freedom that I have found in aging.

Gettin old ain't for sissies but it sure beats the alternative.

ML

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Thursday, October 26, 2006

HOW TO STAY MARRIED

A man and woman had been married for more than 60
 years. They had  shared everything.They had talked about everything.

 They had kept no secrets from each other except that
 the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of
 her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
 
For all of these years, he had never thought about
 the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man  took down the
 shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She
 agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
 
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and
 a stack of money  totaling $95,000.
 
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be
 married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
 secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She
 told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should 
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
 
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight
 back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
 She had only been angry with him two times in all
 those years of living and loving. He almost burst
 with happiness.
 
"Honey," he said, "that explains the
 dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did
 it come from?"
 
"Oh," she said,
 
"that's the money I made from selling the dolls"!

Friday, October 13, 2006

I'VE SURE GOTTEN OLD! (Author Unknown)

I've sure gotten old!
 
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.......
 
Thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 
 (Author Unknown)

THE TRUTH

 Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. 

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. 
 
She doesn't  know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging  basket.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A NEW LITTLE PAIN....

I thought that I had stuck something in my left heal.

Every time I stretch it to walk, I get something similar to an electric shock in my heal and ankle.

It doesn't hurt all the time but I am aware of it all the time.

Turns out that it is something called Plantar fasciitis. It seems that it is a common cause of heel pain in adults.

Just something new to deal with that is very annoying but....

It could be so much worse so I count my blessings!

ML

Friday, October 6, 2006

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

 PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 13. You sing along with elevator music.

 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to  pay off.

 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 
 
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 19. You can't remember who sent you this list and you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

PAIN IS HERE, GONE..OUCH...ANOTHER PAIN.

Why is it that when one thing stops hurting in my body that causes me to run screaming for the heating pad or ice pack and....

The pain finally subsides with the hot or cold attention and then.....

 I notice another thing  has started hurting in it's place????

It is as if we can only focus on one pain at a time. There seems to be little mulit-tasking with pain.

 

Sure, sometimes the whole body can hurt but real shooting pains have to be dealt with one at a time.

That is my opinion, anyway.

Anyone else out there think this MAY be true???

ML

Monday, October 2, 2006

IS IT A COLD OR THE FLU # 2

I saw my doctor today and asked...

Is it a cold or the flu, I asked??

 

Response..

 

Neither, ML...

 

It is Allergies!

 

WHEW...I Think!!!!

 

ML

Saturday, September 30, 2006

IS IT A COLD OR THE FLU????

I had a tough night.

I woke up sweating and chilled at the same time!

Not hormones because I am on the patch.

Could it be a cold?

I feel stuffy and achey. My head hurts too.

I haven't had a cold since last year.

I decided that the germ wash that I was using to wash my hands was drying them out so...Foolishly...I put it away.

I bought the Dove for softer hands.

NOW, I probably am getting a cold OR the FLU!!

IT IS A COLD...I TELL YOU...

A COLD...

IT IS NOT THE FLU, NOT THE FLU, NOT THE FLU!!!!!

ONLY A SIMPLE COLD....YEAH, THATS IT, A COLD!

WAIT....I don't have time for a cold right now. I am busy with getting ready for a trip.

I am NOT getting sick...

I AM NOT getting sick.

Well...

I'm glad that I have taken care of that little problem!

ML

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

YES....SWIM SUIT SEASON IS OVER!!!!!

THE PICTURE IS OF EAST BEACH IN SANTA BARBARA

 

Thank goodness that swimsuit season is over!

But alas, I must take a swimsuit on our family cruise in October. I will cover up as much as possible. Only taking off my cover up when I drop quickly to the lounge chair.

Thinking of putting on a swim suit again made me think of a beach experience in Santa Barbara.

Here it is .....

I'm enjoying my last visit to the beach in Santa Barbara this morning.  I leave for home in Ohio tomorrow morning.

Ohio is a place where people cover their bodies...even in the summer.

I Like It There!!!

I arrived at the beach with several things that would make me feel at home there.

I brought so many things that I needed a horse and buggy to take me to my spot where I could critique the beach babes and guys in action.

My place was set up and I began to scope the action of the under 30 something's.

What a sight to see from these eyes. Where do they get all that energy????

Beach volleyball is big here and I watched as the under 30 something's bounced around like they were on a trampoline and batted the white ball back and forth.

I just knew that the under 30 something females would surely lose their skimpy swim suits but they kept them on. Only by some higher power, I'm sure.

At the other end of the beach, many of the under 30 crowd were lifting surfboards high on their heads as they rushed to the water to catch a wave.

Don't these people ever walk anywhere?

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted several other Over 50 something's sitting under umbrella's, dressed in turtle neck cover-ups watching the under 30 something's too.

Could it be that we are reliving our youth as we watch all that energy run up and down the beach?

NAWWWWW!

I never had a body like that or could play volley ball or surf..

I'm just the beach critic for the under 30 crowd of Santa Barbara.

Hey girl...watch where you are walking in those tall shoes!!! Does your Mother know that the bottom half of your swim suit is too small and stuck up your **##**???   Funny, I don't think she even saw me..... she sure kicked up a lot of sand with those tall shoes.

The over 50 something males watched as she sauntered by. Their heads were spinning around like Linda Blaire in that scary movie...  They will need heart care soon because........

Here comes another one just like the other one!!!

Santa Barbara Beach Critic signing off.

Mary Louise

 

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

THE SMELLS OF OLD AGE

I woke up with a back ache, left side...

Now, I smell like Icy Hot because I slathered it all along my back side.

I have that "old Lady smell" today.

At night..I have the Vicks vapor rub smell. YEP, definitely old Lady.

What is happening to me?

I used to smell of soft perfume and now..........

I can't wear a perfume strong enough to cover the smell of Icy Hot and Vicks vapor rub!

But hey...it works. I'm not trying to win a smell contest today. If I did enter a smell contest for old ladies...I would win hands down!

ML

 

Monday, September 18, 2006

A TEST FOR THE OLD KIDS!!


This is a test for us old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.


READY? Here we go!



01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U. S. in early 1964, we all watched them on:
The ______________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________
."

04. "The story you are about to see i s true. The names have been changed___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _______________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as ! low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "_______________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________


Scroll Down for the Answers........



q
q
q
q

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop


Thursday, August 31, 2006

A LIFE LESSON

  Bank Account

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. 
 

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. 
 

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. 
 
 

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." 

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. 
 

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. 

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. 

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. 

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.


I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3 Live simply.

4. Give more.


5. Expect less. 

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

 
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
 
If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
 
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him. He will listen for her bell and then slowly walk toward her and trusts that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
 
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guidehorse, helping others see.
 
Good friends are like this. You don't always see them, but you know they are there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
 
 
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." 

Monday, August 28, 2006

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby:
You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby:
Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby:
You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby:
You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.
3rd baby
: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette
:
1st baby:
You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby:
You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby:
Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby:
At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby:
You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby:
You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby:
If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby:
When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby:
You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby:
You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby:
You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby:
You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it  sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________

Activities:
1st baby:
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby:
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby:
You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby:
The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby:
Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby:
You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby:
You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby:
You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child:
When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child:
When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child:
When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:


God's reward for allowing your children to live!

 

Saturday, August 26, 2006

STROKE.....WHATTTTT!!!!!!

I got a big shock last week.

The Ear specialist that I went to for the tinnitus ( ringing in the ears) ordered a MRI with the second part including a dye injection.

The nerves  that he was thinking might be damaged, were not.

What they did find was that I have had a stroke somewhere along the line.

It did no damage that I am aware of and is a early warning that many people do not get.

So, as scary as it is...

I am looking at it as a positive to change my lifestyle.

It is something that I must live with and hope that "the big one" stays away.

ML

Saturday, August 19, 2006

THE MONSTER THAT LIVES IN MY BATHROOM

This morning, I walked slowly down the hallway. I glanced into the room where my dire enemy lives.

I tip toed pass the entrance to the room. I wasn't going to go in there. The light was off but I could still see "IT" resting quietly on the floor.

It was making no noise but I could tell that IT wanted me to come in and see it.

I avoided the invitation and made my way to the kitchen, hoping it wouldn't call me back to the little room where IT lives.

While fixing my breakfast...All I could think of was...IT!

Maybe sometime today, I will have the courage to go into the little room.

Just to watch it but not step on it.

If I step on it ...it will come to life.

It will come to life and tell me what I don't want to know.

I think it is going to live in there forever and so there is no way to avoid seeing IT.

But my thought is this...

If I don't step on it...It will just sit there quietly.

I will stay very quiet when I go down the hallway today.

Maybe, I will step on it sometime today but that will take all my energy and I need my energy to eat my lunch.

ML

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

LIFESTYLE CHANGE GOING SLOW

I am discouraged.

Three weeks into this lifestyle change and only a pound to show for it.

I know that a pound is a pound but...come on!!!!

I think that my metabolism has slowed down.

It is hard to keep on trying with no results to keep me trying.

I have slipped a few times, I'll admit.

I want to be fit and healthy again but I need results!

Why am I not losing weight?

I am doing all the right things.

I even bought some bands to exercise and a Ti Chi tape. I was told last night that to buy them is NOT enough.......

 You actually have to USE them!

Bummer!

ML

Saturday, August 5, 2006

LIFE STYLE CHANGE

I am doing good on my lifestyle changes except for the piece of Pecan pie that I had at lunch!

I guess that it is one step forward and one step back!!!!

I am walking every day so I pat myself on the back.

So far...Not a pound has disappeared from my butt!

I am trying to lose weight to feel better and look better.

We are going on cruise in October and I want to look hot on formal night.

If I keep on eating pecan pie..I can forget it.

Why do we do the things that we know are not good for us?

I'm not giving up.

Onward and upward.

ML

Friday, July 28, 2006

DIETS, LIFESTYLE CHANGES AND GETTING STARTED

I am doing well so far in trying to change my life style.

I am going to bed around mid night instead of 2 or 3 am.

Got up this morning at 5 am. Much too early but I am not accustomed to going to bed so early.

Maybe, I can change my life style for the better.

I have tried every diet out there and do lose weight but I always creep back to my old habits and so a diet will not work for me.

I need a lifestyle change and I am also working on my portion control and exercise. I will never stick to a programed diet ( thanks Lowis) and so I am eating what I usually eat but small portions.  I have cut out most sweets and fried foods. But if I want a taste..I taste it or take one bite.

I fail most diets because I feel deprived. This way..I am in control of me!

I am walking as exercise and will work up to weights and fast walking.

Right now, I'm just proud that I have gotten started!

Thanks Lowis6535 for the support. I think that you and I are the only people who read this journal! Ha!

ML

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

LIFESTYLE CHANGES

I am going on a diet....AGAIN!

I need to lose 10-15 pounds. They slipped up on my while my knee was out of commission. I did no exercise for 3 months and the weight shows it.

I hate being over weight because none of my clothes fit and even if they did...I wouldn't feel good in them.

So, I have started a diet..or a life change of my eating habits.

A lot of veggies and smaller portions.

My portions are the problem. I love to eat and if it tastes good..I just eat until it is gone .

So, all of that will stop and I have started walking again.

We are going on a cruise in October and I want to look good. Then I can eat on the ship and gain everything back again! ha.

I need support from anyone out there.

This will be hard to retrain myself to smaller portions.

ML

Friday, July 21, 2006

A SENIOR MOMENT

A SENIOR MOMENT

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

                --------------------

 Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary arrangement which, I submit. 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

 I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate. 

 Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. 

 I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

 I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access  my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

 1-- To make an appointment to see me.

 2-- To query a missing payment.

 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am  attending to nature.

 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not a t home.

 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold,  pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

 Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

 Your Humble Client

 (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

 JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Good Morning

My husband is having surgery on his gums this morning.  I am driving him to the dentist later.

I hope all goes well.

I'm still in a fight with my new contacts. Not sure if I will be able to wear them. I didn't put them in this morning because I am driving and the left eye gets blurry.

Better go now.

later,

ML

Friday, July 7, 2006

Daughters and their families to visit!

Still battling with these contacts. Maybe, I am the one person who cannot adjust to them!

Our daughter and her family will arrive tomorrow night for a visit.

I'm looking forward to having them here.

I'm working today to get things dusted and cleaned. I have to wash and change the sheets on all the beds.

Funny, when I was younger, that didn't seem like a big task! Ha.

I will clean out the fridge and go to the store later in the day. I like to have the sugar cereals and sweet snacks that the children like...much to their parents dismay!   PAY BACK TIME!

On Sunday afternoon our other daughter and her family will come over for a big birthday cook out for both of my girls. They were born 2 weeks apart. July 3rd and July 11th.

All 6 of our grandchildren will be here. Ages 11 to 5.

We will cook out. Not sure what we will cook yet. Another reason to get off this computer and go to the store!

The children will swim on Sunday and we will talk and enjoy their laughter. They are growing up too fast!

ML

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

THE CONTACT SAGA

I did go and get another contact for my left eye.  Never did find the one that I lost.

I haven't tried to put them in again this morning

I am going to wait and set things up first so I won't lose another one.

I would be to embarrassed to go back and say that I had lost yet another one!!!

I'll let ..."my one reader".. know how it goes.

ML

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

OLD LADY AND CONTACTS

I am trying contacts for the first time.

I had to buy drug store glasses to see close up.

One contact is for close up and the other for distance.

I can get the right eye contact in on the first try but ohhhh, the left eye !

This morning, while trying for the 100 time to put in the left contact..It flew across the room. I have searched and searched but no contact.

Now, I will have to go back and ask for another pair.

I am on a trial period for 2 weeks to see if I like wearing them.

I hate to go back because the girl that fitted me was barely 20 years old and remarked when I was trying to put them in that.... It was great that someone "of my age" would try something new!!!!!

Now, I must go back and face the young one and ask her to check a see if the left contact is still in my eye or in a grave on my carpet!

Humbling experience!

I bet they were taking bets that the old lady couldn't wear them! Ha.

I will suck up my pride and go back to ask for another pair.

I am determined to wear them!

Old Lady signing off!

ML

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Saturday, June 17, 2006

GETTIN OLD

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

 I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
.

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Friday, June 16, 2006

THE YEARLY PHYSICAL

 

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

Saturday, June 10, 2006

TINNITUS PART 2

Well, it's still here folks.

The sirens in my head.

Not sure why it came but I am willing it to leave.

I am trying several different things to help but so far...nothing.

I was driving yesterday and actually looked in my rear view mirror to see if the police were chasing me!

It's that loud.

Night time is the worse time.

Just got to deal with it.

I even bought a supplement for tinnitus but it said it would take 3 to 6 months if it works at all.

I see my Doc on Thursday for my yearly physical.

Maybe he knows of a break through.

Later,

ML

Monday, June 5, 2006

TINNITUS

This constant sound in my ears is hard to live with, especially at night.

It is as if I have 100 sirens going in my ears at the same time.

I see my dentist tomorrow to make sure that I don't have TMJ or a tooth problem that might be causing it.

I want it GONE...right now.

The dentist tomorrow. The knee Doc on Wed.

It is getting sad that my social calendar is going to see Doctors!!! Ha.

I just trying to keep counting my blessing....I just can't hear what I am counting over the loud noises in my ears.

But...

I am putting on my Big girl panties and dealing with it!

Ml

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

GOOD KNEE NEWS

My knee is a lot better. It almost feels normal again.

It is a little sore at the end of the day but nothing like the throbbing pain of a few weeks ago.

I think wearing the brace and time have made the difference.

Now...I have a new thing going on.

My ears!!!!!!! Life is like a beaver colony...one damn thing after another.

My ears feel stopped up and there is a loud noise going on all of the time.

It is driving me crazy because the sound never stops and gets so loud at night time.

Tinnitus is what my Doc said but they don't know why one gets it.

All I know is that it sounds like I have a sound machine in my head and it is turned on HIGH!

I try to distract myself and do pretty good during the day but at night!!!!!!!!!

I just want it to stop.

Does anyone out there have it and do you know any thing that I can do to make it stop!!!!????

ML

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

SAME SONG ...SECOND VERSE...MY KNEE

My knee continues to keep me up at night.

I'm not sure which is better...the brace or no brace!

The thing keeps sliding down no matter how tight I pull the straps.

I'm wondering if cutting off my blood supply to the knee is a good thing because the straps are so tight!

I have focused all my attention on my knee so now, I am looking for distractions.

I have new words to live by..............

PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND...

DEAL WITH IT!

Believe it or not...saying those words to myself help!

M. L.

 

Thursday, May 18, 2006

MY KNEE AND WORDS TO LIVE BY

My knee is in a brace from my thigh to my shin.

It does give me some stability when I walk.

The Doc said yesterday that he might have to do a scope and see what is going on in there.

I hope not.

It does hurt alot. I can manage the pain during the day because there are so many distractions. At night..it is the worst because it is only my knee and me!!!

ML

words to live by.... 
 
As we grow up, we learn that even the one
person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll
break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend. You'll
blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a.........

 
minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

DO YOU FEEL OLD YET?

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
  
   Here is this year's list:
  
   The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
  
  They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
  
  They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
  
  There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
  
  They were 10 years old when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
  
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. **
  
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. **
 
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. **
 
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
  
  They have never owned a record player.
  
  They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
  
  They may have never heard of an 8-track tape. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were one year old.
 
  They have always had an answering machine.
  
  Most have never seen a television set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
 
  They have always had cable.
 
  There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
 
  They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
  
  They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is and they don't know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
 
  Feeling old yet? There's more:
 
  They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
 
  Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
 
  Michael Jackson has always been white.
 
  Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

   They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
  
  Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
 
  They have never seen Larry Bird play.
  
  They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 
  The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as World War I, World War II,  and the Civil War.
 
  They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
 
  They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
 
  They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer ,by the way, is Ork)
  
  They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
  
   They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
 
  Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
 
  There has always been MTV.
  
  They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 
  Do you feel old yet?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Jasper and the Uncooked Yeast Rolls"

For everyone who has or has ever had a dog who eats anything and
everything in sight..*

"Jasper and the Uncooked Yeast Rolls"

            We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to
be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.
He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you
that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights.

 
The new door cost over $200. But I digress.


                Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however, assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the
two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor.

Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours.
After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.

                It was **
8:30pm**.
When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me.
He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough
boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.

                Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was
very stupid on my part.  We arose at **
7:30** and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.
When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon.
I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call
within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

               Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I
loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of **
Muskogee** on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).
Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the
car between Perry and I, we took off.
 
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. 
 
These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the policestation. But that's not the worst of it. 
 
 Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls.
 
God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth!
 
We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was
firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day.  The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.
Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out"
and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours
or mine I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
 
This was another naive decision on our part.  The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose
It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.
And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him
off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.


            I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.
None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report
that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea

Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

               And how was your Day?*


Thursday, May 11, 2006

WHERE TO RETIRE???????

 As we all know,  sometimes we come face to face with  the fact that it may be  time to relocate.  The big question is: where to?
Here are some tips.
 
You  can live in Phoenix, Arizona  where.....

1. You are willing  to park 3 blocks away because  you found shade. 
2. You've experienced  condensation on your back  side from the hot water in  the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and  never leave town.
4. You have  over 100 recipes for Mexican food
5. You know that "dry heat" is  comparable to what hits you in the face when  you open your oven door. 6. The four seasons are: Tolerable,Hot, Really hot and Are you kidding me!
 
 
You  can Live in California  where...

1. You make over  $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house
 
 2. The fastest part of  your commute is going down your driveway.

 3. You know how to eat an  artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block  party.
 
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you  tell them how long  it  will take to get there rather than how many miles  away it  is..
 
 You can Live in New York  City  where...
  1. You say "the  city" and expect everyone to know  you mean Manhattan.

 2. You can get  into a four-hour argument about how  to get from Columbus  Circle to Battery Park, but  can't find Wisconsin on  a map.

 3.You  think Central  Park is "nature,"

 4.  You believe that being able to swear at people  in their own language  makes you  multi-lingual.

 5. You've worn out a car horn.

 6. You think eye contact is  an act of aggression. 

You can Live in Maine  where...
 
1. You only have  four spices: salt, pepper,  ketchup, and Tabasco.

 2. Halloween  costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

 4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than  eight buttons.

 5. The four  seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and   construction.
 
You can live in the Deep  South  where...
 
1. You can rent a  movie and buy bait in the same  store.

 2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all"  is plural.

 3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

 5. Everyone has 2  first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
 
You can live in Colorado where...
 
1. You carry your  $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

 2. You tell your husband to pick up  Granola on his  way home and he stops at  the day care center.

 3. A pass does  not involve a football or dating.

 4. The top of your head is bald, but you  still have a pony tail.
 
You  can live in the Midwest  where...
 
1.You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to  pass a  tractor.

 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on  the same  day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my  coat at?"

 5.  When asked how your trip was to any exotic  place, you say, "It was  different!"
 
AND  You can live in Florida  where..
 
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the  afternoon.

 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and  cars.

 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

 4. Road  construction never ends anywhere in the  state.

 5. Cars in front of you are  often driven by headless people.

 6. The 4 seasons are:  tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

 
1. Sag, you're It.
 
2. Hide and go pee.
 
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
 
4. Kick the bucket
 
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
 
6. Musical recliners.
 
7. Simon says something incoherent.
 
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
 
!
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
 
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
 
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
 
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
 
 
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
 
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
 
Thoughts for! the weekend
! ! I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
 
 
When I was young we used to go "skinnydipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
 
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
 
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen
a sleep yet.
 
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
 
 
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
 
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!
 
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 
 
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!
 
 

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

DID YOU KNOW THAT.........................

Did you know that..... 
 


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every   day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved   ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and   without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited   education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend   better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension   without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,  

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

 

 

 ...Then You Are Probably   The Family Dog!