Wednesday, January 25, 2006

FRUMPS OF J-LAND UNITE!!!!!

I caught a reflection of myself  (2:35 am) as I was walking down the hallway.

To my horror and disbelief....

I saw a Frump!

I stood there looking at the image that I saw and it was not good.

I have gained weight. I have let myself go!

Who is going to turn this frump back into a vibrant woman?

Oprah...Where is your trainer? Your cook, when I need them?

Getting no answer from Oprah, I realized that it is all up to me.

Looking at the mirror, I told the Frump in the red flannel pajamas...that things were going to change.

Follow my "Frump" makeover..

Next...THE FRUMP CREED!

ML

Friday, January 20, 2006

MY COLD ADVENTURE

I have been miserable with a cold for a week.

Thank goodness, I have turned the corner.

Not a lot of energy back yet but I'm getting there.

Why is it that when I get sick, a grown woman who thinks she is mature...

I turn into a 5 year old, needy baby!

Maybe, its just me or does anyone else out there become a baby when they are sick?

I'll be glad when I feel strong and normal again and do not need to blow my nose one more time.

The Kleenex box has become my dearest friend. I take it everywhere and you know...it has been a comforting friend during this cold.

I have gotten so accustomed to having it at my side that I have named my kleenex box, just to make it more personal.

Achoo and and I are going to lie down for a nap now.

Achoo is such a nice friend.

ML

Thursday, January 19, 2006

GRANT ME ONE WISH


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.      All of a sudden, he said out loud,  "Lord,  please  grant me one wish".    Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "I wish you would build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. 
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.  The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!    The concrete and steel it would take and the labor hours.   Think of the enormous expense and risk to life and limb the workers.  This is a nearly impossible task.     While I  CAN grant your request, it is hard for me to justify your desire.  Take a little more time and think of another wish  ...  a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.  Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. 
  I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN

My sister sent this to me and I thought that I would pass it along.

ML


WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO! 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hour

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Pra ctice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three! nights; Monday, Wed nesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Ses sions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.    


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.    


 

Monday, January 16, 2006

YEARLY PHYSICAL

 Yearly Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
   the nurse starts with certain basic items.

How much do you weigh? she asks.


  115, she says.


 The nurse puts her on the scale.
   It turns out her weight is 140.

  The nurse asks, Your height?


   5 foot 8,  she says.


   The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

  She then takes her blood pressure
   and tells the woman it is very high.


   Of course it's high!  she screams,


  When I came in here I was tall and slender!


   Now..... I'm short and fat!


Friday, January 13, 2006

GETTIN OLD

I was up until 3 am last night.

All my muscles are aching.

My back feels like someone has pulled a string and the string is pulled too tight.

I have used the heating pad. I did some stretching.

I took a pain reliever.

I paced.

I hate it when I don't feel normal.

I haven't done any lifting to cause this.

Must just be gettin old!

ML

Thursday, January 12, 2006

A LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.   There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her....Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...   Damn! says the little old lady.....I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!
Well, now, not so fast, says the cop. How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?   Oh, no, says the little old lady.   You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!   So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!   Hey, not a bad idea, laughs the cop. OK, good luck!   By the way, what's in the other bag?   Well, says the little old lady,   Not all of them pay.

Monday, January 9, 2006

MEMORIES

I found this delightful entry by...

http://journals.aol.com/merkel1997/gastricbypass/entries/880s

MEMORIES

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. School nurses would give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting
the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation,
Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now, it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too, and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room),

 And Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof.               It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we
survive?





Written by merkel1997

Saturday, January 7, 2006

GETTING OLD...A STATE OF MIND

What makes a person get old?

Do you wake up one morning and say to yourself...I'm old?

I think that one gets old when you feel there is nothing else to look forward to.

I know a person who has decided that they are old. I told him over breakfast this morning that he must find something to look forward to accomplishing in the month ahead.

Maybe, that will make a difference because he is in his early 60's, handsome and has so much to offer to the world around him.

Maybe, I too will wake up one morning and decide that I am old.

If I do...

I hope someone will kick my butt and tell me to "get over it"!

Life happens but we choose how our face looks after 50.

ML

Thursday, January 5, 2006

WHY COMPUTERS CRASH

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
    (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!


I f a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.


If  your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking  icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the  index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna  crash!

If  the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is  connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to  another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the  hall......

And  your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in  the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out  with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna  hang.


When  the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code  instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the  memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the  computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
W ell,  that certainly clears things up for me. How about  you


Thank  you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our  lives
 
 
                        

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

A GOOD TIP FOR THE NEW YEAR

ALWAYS KEEP SEVERAL "GET WELL" CARDS ON YOUR MANTLE,

SO IF UNEXPECTED GUESTS ARRIVE...

THEY WILL THINK THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SICK AND UNABLE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

ML

Monday, January 2, 2006

THE BANISTER OF LIFE


As We Slide Down The Banister of Life 

 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.  It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.  

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice.. well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,  "Will? What Will?  I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."    

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.    

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.