Sunday, December 24, 2006

CHRISTMAS

         God grant you  the                 light in   Christmas, which is Faith;

the warmth of Christmas, which is love........

the all of Christmas, which is Christ.                          (Wilda English)    

 

ML                           

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

IF I WERE OL' SANTA

 If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,
and deliver some things just inside your front door,
things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.  Then restore the old color that once graced your hair, before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, so things now suspended need not be uplifted.  I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back until you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.  You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells and you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes; no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.  Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny from a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take and no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.  Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.  You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle and the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. 

 

But alas!  I'm not Santa.  I'm simply just me; the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;

 

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

 


 

 

 


Friday, December 15, 2006

THE BATHTUB TEST


 The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a 
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
 
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
 
Do you want a bed near the window?"

Thursday, December 14, 2006

A CHRISTMAS STORY


When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.



So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...