Sunday, August 26, 2007

ERMA BOMBECK ON LIFE

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER  Erma Bombeck - by

       (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

       I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the
earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

       I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it
melted in storage.

  I would have talked less and listened more.

 I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was
stained, or the sofa faded.

  I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried
much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the
fireplace.

  I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about
his youth.

 I would have made my husband share more of the responsibility I
carried.

 I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer
day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

 I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and
more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical,
wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

 Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished
every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the
only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

 When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.
Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's"
More "I'm sorry's."

 But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every
minute...look at it and really see it. Live it and never give it back.


Friday, August 24, 2007

THE CAT IN THE HAT ON AGING



Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.  They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or 'de plane, Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

OVER 60...................

 

Over 60? 
Q.  Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction. 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live. 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant. 

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses. 

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. 

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. 

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads. 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:
"I remember these." 


Sunday, August 19, 2007

NEW EXPERIENCE

A new experience for me...

My hands hurt!

My knuckles are sore.

I hope this isn't the beginning of the big "A".

Getting old sure isn't for sissies!

ML

Friday, August 3, 2007

THE REALITY OF AGING



You are in the middle of some kind of  project around the house, mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the  living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. You are covered in dirt or  paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit,  shorts with a hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what  and an old pair of shoes.

 

Right in the middle of this great  home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get  something required to complete the job.  Depending on your age you might do  the following:

 

IN YOUR  20's

 

Stop what you are doing.  Shave,  take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean  clothes.   Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of  your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick  while standing in the checkout lane.  You went to school with the pretty  young girl running the register.

 

IN YOUR  30's

 

Stop what you are doing, put on clean  shorts and shirt.  Change shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need  for much more.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in  the mirror, still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the  smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you  went to school with.

 

IN YOUR  40's

 

Stop what you are doing.  Put on  a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your  shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.   Your bottle of Brute Cologneis almost empty so you don't want to  waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do  more sucking than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is  your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is  spicy.

 

IN YOUR  50's

 

Stop what you are doing.  Put on  a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands and onto your shirt.  Change shoes  because you don't what to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself  in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you  look fat.  The cutie running the resister smiles when she sees you coming  and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is  from a buddy's bait shop and it says "I Got Worms".

 

 

 

IN YOUR  60's

 

Stop what you are doing.  No  need for the hat anymore.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes.  The  mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have  underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running  the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not  sure.

 

IN YOUR  70's

 

Stop what you are doing.  Wait  to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too.  Don't even  notice the dog crap on your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles  at you because you remind her of her  grandfather.

 

IN YOUR  80's

 

Stop what you are doing.  Start  again.  Stop again.  Now you remember that you needed to go to  Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think of what it is  you are looking for.  The old lady that greeted you at the front door went  to school with you.