Thursday, August 28, 2008

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

 

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

HOT FLASHES

I DON'T HAVE HOT FLASHES.......

I HAVE SHORT VACATIONS IN THE TROPICS!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

GETTING OLDER

THE OLDER I GET......

THE BETTER........

I WAS!!!!!!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE


 
 
                                  THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!  THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

 

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

ARE YOU

WEARING THAT?

WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!

WOW!

LOOK AT YOU!

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT ARE YOU

SO WORKED UP ABOUT?

COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?

HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

 

SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.

CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?

 

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT DID

YOU DO

ALL DAY?

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!

HERE, HAVE

SOME MORE

WINE.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8.. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

 11. POOR MEN SUCK

 12. PACK MY STUFF

& MY FAVORITE ONE

 13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

 

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the New s Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses?....What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .....the things that you do.
And forever is losing ....A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not.......lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ....Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .....As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding......as I eat at your will
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen....with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now....a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty....my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows......that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now ....I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ....And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ....My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .......With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons....have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see
I
don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ....Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children .......My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .....My wife is now dead.
I look at the future .......I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years....... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles......grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .....A young guy still dwells,
And now and again .......my battered heart swells
I remember the joys.....I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living....life over again.

I think of the years all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact.....that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ....open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

THEFT PROBLEM....IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR WOMEN OVER 50

 

 Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
( Author Unknown)

 You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
 their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

 
WELL

 My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
 sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
 The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. 
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
 Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

 And then the thieves struck again.

 My butt was next.  But,  these thieves are cruel. they attached 
my new butt  three inches lower than my original!  I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

 Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
 fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to
  and fro,
 This was really getting scary -. What could they do to me next?

 When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
 neck, I decided to tell my story.

 Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons
 are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!

 The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it
 lifted from you?

 THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
 
This is happening to women everywhere every night.

 WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

 P. S.
Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
 and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see 
that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
 
Now, I keep them hidden in my waistband.

 Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.


A ROUTINE COLONOSCOPY...TOOOO FUNNY!!!

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy
(Dave Barry was a nationally syndicated humor columnist) 


A Routine Colonoscopy
I went in for a routine colonoscopy to check for the possible dreaded
diagnosis: cancer.  I was told that if it's early there is a good
prognosis that they can get it
all out, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course
they told me to tell my
siblings to get screened. I imagine they both have.

Um. Well. First I called my brother, Sam.  He was hopeful, but scared.
We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy
Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point
passing briefly through
Minneapolis.  Then Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear
anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!" I
left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. 

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that
we must never
allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In
accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep  You
mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.  (For those unfamiliar with
the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)  Then you have to drink
the whole jug.  This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind --
like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.  The instructions
for MoviPrep, clearly
written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you
drink it, "a loose watery bowel
movement may result."  This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I
don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space
shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a
seat belt.  You spend several
hours pretty much confined to the bathroom.  You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure
you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I
can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even
eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next
morning my wife drove me to the
clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the
procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, "What if I spurt on
Andy?"  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with
whatever the hell the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of
other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and
put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand
Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie
also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I
hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make
it to the bath room, so you
were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice
but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a
nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy
had me roll over on my left
side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle
in my hand.  There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing
Queen" by Abba.  I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, "Dancing Queen"
has to be the least appropriate.  "You want me to turn it up?" said
Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha
ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade.  If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. 

Really.  I slept through it. 

One moment, Abba was shrieking "Dancing Queen!  Feel the beat from the
tambourine . . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I
felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that it was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. 

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

True Friendship 
 
None of that Sissy Crap 
 
 
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? 

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
 
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew. 
 
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
 
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 
 
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 
 
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 
 
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt. 
 
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask, "because you are my friend".  Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.. 

The original directions said to "Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4."
 

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

GRANNIES ON THE ROAD

Grannies on the Road


            Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
              He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
              So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 
              Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly
ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.


              The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the
problem?"


              The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22
was the route number, not the speed limit.
              A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.


              "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car
OK? These women seem awfully shaken."


              "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer........

 We just got off Route 127".

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A HISTORY LESSON...LIFE IN THE 1500's


LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub f illed with hot w ater. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas p orrid ge in the po t nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them fo r de ad and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all nig ht (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..


And that's the truth..Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

GETTIN OLD

This getting old period of my life is taking some adjustment.

I found out that my blood pressure is high.

Now, I am taking blood pressure medicine that makes me tired.

There was a time when I hated taking naps....now, I can't wait to lie down!

I take a med to help with one thing and it causes me to be tired and sleepy so...

I have gained weight.

Getting old....ain't for sissies!

ML

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

GETTING OLD

I never thought much about being old in all of the years before........

But it is approaching.......

And it is time to think!

 

ML

Monday, March 31, 2008

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

RED SKELTON

-----

PRICELESS

 

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE

FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

 

 

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little

 beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

 

3. I take my wife everywhere....

but she keeps finding her way back.

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

 

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric

toaster and electric bread maker.

She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place

to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well

because there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

 

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late

for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her

first name was Always.

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it........these were the good old days

when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

INNER STRENGTH

Inner Strength



If you can start the day without caffeine,


If you can always be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every
day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved
ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and
blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited
education and never correct her/him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend

 


 

 

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,


If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
 

     


...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

Friday, February 1, 2008

I'm enjoying my last visit to the beach in Santa Barbara this morning.  Every visit to this beach leaves me feeling old and depressed!

I leave for home in Ohio tomorrow morning. It is a place where people cover their bodies...even in the summer.

I Like It There!!!

I arrived at the beach with several things that would make me feel at home there. Paperback books, sunscreen, I Pod, water, hat, sunglasses, beach chair, umbrella, blanket, crackers ( in case I get hungry), radio, beach cover up that goes to my feet, cell phone ( in case I need to call 911), paper, pen, dictionary, thank you cards ( I need to write a few notes), magnifying glasses ( eye site going), lip balm, money, condo key and car keys, small towel to wipe the face sweat, big towel to wipe the body sweat, a few other important beachy things.

I brought so many things that I needed a horse and buggy to take me to the spot where I could critique the under 30 beach babes and  bronze guys in action.

My place was set up and I began to scope the action of the under 30 something's.

What a sight to see from these eyes. Where do they get all that energy????

Beach volleyball is big here and I watched as the under 30 something's bounced around like they were on a trampoline and batted the white ball back and forth.

I just knew that the under 30 something females would surely lose their skimpy swim suits but they kept them on. Boobies flying up and  down and I would hear a "oops" as a under 30 something would adjust her top as she smiled. Skinny rears with bathing suit bottoms lodged in..##** you know.Only by some higher power, did those suits stay on. Some of the 30 something's even wore thongs. So they could play volley ball better, I'm sure.

At the other end of the beach, many of the under 30 crowd were lifting surfboards high on their heads as they rushed to the water to catch a wave. I sighed.....

Don't these people ever walk anywhere?

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted several other over 50 something females sitting under umbrella's, dressed in turtle neck cover-ups, long pants, socks and shoes,watching the under 30 something's too.

Could it be that we are reliving our youth as we watch all that energy run up and down the beach?

Could it be that we remember looking that fit and tight. I mean there was not a jiggle anywhere on those under 30 something bodies. Well, unless you count the jiggling boobs and some of those didn't jiggle! There was not a single jiggle from an arm as they hit that ball. I raised my arm to adjust the umbrella and with the ocean breezes was afraid that I might take off with the wing span under my arms!

I never had a body like that or could play volley ball or surf..I'm from the South and we didn't do things like surf and play beach volleyball to show off our under 30 something bodies.

We wore very short shorts, cute cut off tops and walked around a lot.

Now, in my declining age.....I have developed into the beach critic for the under 30 crowd of Santa Barbara. That will be my only job today.

Hey...watch where you are walking in those tall shoes!!! Who, I ask you who wears 6" heals to the beach!!!

Do you know that the bottom half of your swim suit is too small and stuck up your **##**???  

Funny, I don't think she even saw me..... 

For some reason, after a female passes from the 40's into the 50's ...you cannot be seen by under 30 something's. I have become invisible to that age group.

The over 50 something males watch the under 30 something females very closely. Their heads are spinning around like Linda Blaire in that scary movie...  These men make me a little sick with their silly smiles all the while sucking their guts in as a under 30 something walks by their chair.

Should I advertise a beach meeting for 5:00pm, just to tell the beach volley ball set to enjoy this time in their lives? Should I tell them that this time and their bodies will not stay this way forever?

Should I tell the females that their boobies will sag and so will their bottoms? Should I tell the guys that they will have performance issues in their future and the strength that they have now will go away?

I watch them and I smile because I remember the days when I was a under 30 something.

Should I tell them ?????

No way....The day is too full of sunshine and promise. I will just let them continue to think that this time will last forever.

I am thinking about getting up and going back to the condo. I am thinking about it but this darn beach chair is so low in the sand that it will take a crane to hoist me to my feet. Then, I can't be sure that my legs will hold me up as I trudge through the sand to find my car, put everything in the trunk and find my keys to start the car and drive home. Then, Once home, I will have to take all my beachy stuff in the house.

On second though, I will just stay put for a while longer and watch the under 30 something's play volleyball. I can't burn because I am covered from head to toe.

I watch them as I have for 4 hours now and their energy has not gone away.

Do you think that their energy is catching?  Maybe the ocean breezes will blow some my way!

Santa Barbara Beach Critic signing off.

Mary Louise

Monday, January 28, 2008

A WEEK AT THE HEALTH CLUB

Dear Diary,


For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.


Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!


Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was  around.                                                                                                                    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members.

 Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over........

 He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

(Author Unknown)

Friday, January 25, 2008

A 1955 ADD FOR WOMEN

MAKES ME GLAD THAT THIS IS NOT 1955!
Be sure to read the right side of the article instructions!!!    M. L.
 
 
An Actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article.

Ok when you girls stop laughing long enough to pick yourself off the floor, forward this to all the women you know so they can have a good laugh too.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

HOW TO WEIGH YOURSELF

 

How to weigh yourself 

 

 

 

 

 



 
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years. 
 
We must get the word out

Thursday, January 17, 2008

GRANDMA'S HANDS

 
GRANDMA'S HANDS

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.
She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.

When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the
longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her
at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and
looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she
said in a clear voice strong.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here
staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I
explained to her.

"Have you ever looked at your hands," she asked. "I mean really
looked at your hands?"

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them
over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at
my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have
served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled
shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to
reach out and grab and embrace life.

"They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the
floor.
They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my
mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled
on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off
to war.

"They have been dirty, scraped and raw , swollen and bent. They were
uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated
with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone
special

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I
buried my parents and spouse.

"They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and
shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the
rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried
and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works
real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to
fold in prayer.

"These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out
and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to
His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of
Christ."

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God
reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home.

When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my
children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and
caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my
face.


-- Author Unknown

Monday, January 14, 2008

A KEEPER



A Keeper


 

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a housedress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.



 


 

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.



 


 

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with thepain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.



 


 

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken..... And heal it when it's sick.



 


 


 

This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards..... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents.... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.



 


 


 

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close!



 


 

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper'


  

Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there


People are made to be Loved and Things are made to be Used

There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and Things are being Loved.





A NEW ME IN 2008

I started a exercise program last week. I go 3 times a week. Just completed my first week.

I want a new, better, more healthy body by May.

So far, I have lost 1/2 pound and am so sore!!!

It's a good sore though. ( that's what my mouth tells my mind)

I don't remember getting this sore and stiff when I was a young thing

and started an exercise program!

I admit that I have let myself go a bit but my muscles say I have let myself go....A LOT!

I will continue my quest to a healthier me in 2008.

It's onward and upward, never quit, keep on keeping on....

Or some crap like that.

ML