Monday, January 28, 2008

A WEEK AT THE HEALTH CLUB

Dear Diary,


For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.


Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!


Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was  around.                                                                                                                    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members.

 Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over........

 He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

(Author Unknown)

Friday, January 25, 2008

A 1955 ADD FOR WOMEN

MAKES ME GLAD THAT THIS IS NOT 1955!
Be sure to read the right side of the article instructions!!!    M. L.
 
 
An Actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article.

Ok when you girls stop laughing long enough to pick yourself off the floor, forward this to all the women you know so they can have a good laugh too.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

HOW TO WEIGH YOURSELF

 

How to weigh yourself 

 

 

 

 

 



 
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years. 
 
We must get the word out

Thursday, January 17, 2008

GRANDMA'S HANDS

 
GRANDMA'S HANDS

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.
She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.

When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the
longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her
at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and
looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she
said in a clear voice strong.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here
staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I
explained to her.

"Have you ever looked at your hands," she asked. "I mean really
looked at your hands?"

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them
over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at
my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have
served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled
shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to
reach out and grab and embrace life.

"They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the
floor.
They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my
mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled
on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off
to war.

"They have been dirty, scraped and raw , swollen and bent. They were
uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated
with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone
special

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I
buried my parents and spouse.

"They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and
shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the
rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried
and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works
real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to
fold in prayer.

"These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out
and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to
His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of
Christ."

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God
reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home.

When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my
children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and
caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my
face.


-- Author Unknown

Monday, January 14, 2008

A KEEPER



A Keeper


 

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a housedress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.



 


 

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.



 


 

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with thepain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.



 


 

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken..... And heal it when it's sick.



 


 


 

This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards..... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents.... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.



 


 


 

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close!



 


 

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper'


  

Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there


People are made to be Loved and Things are made to be Used

There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and Things are being Loved.





A NEW ME IN 2008

I started a exercise program last week. I go 3 times a week. Just completed my first week.

I want a new, better, more healthy body by May.

So far, I have lost 1/2 pound and am so sore!!!

It's a good sore though. ( that's what my mouth tells my mind)

I don't remember getting this sore and stiff when I was a young thing

and started an exercise program!

I admit that I have let myself go a bit but my muscles say I have let myself go....A LOT!

I will continue my quest to a healthier me in 2008.

It's onward and upward, never quit, keep on keeping on....

Or some crap like that.

ML

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

THERE WAS ONCE A WOMAN.......

=======================
 
   There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
  looked in the mirror,
  and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

  Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my h air
  today?'
  So she did and she had a wonderful day.

   The next day she woke up,
  looked in the mirror
  and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

  'H-M-M,' she said,
  'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?'
  So she did and she had a grand day.

  The next day she woke up,
  looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only
  one hair on her head.

  'Well,' she said,
  'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'
  So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
 
  The next day she woke up,
  looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't
  a single hair on her head.

  'YEA!' she exclaimed,
  'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

  Attitude is everything.
  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of
  battle.

 Live simply,
    Love generously,
        Care deeply,

  Speak kindly.......

  Leave the rest to God.
  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
  It's about learning to dance in the rain.